There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
You Might Also Like
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
good work, everybody
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
still the best tweet of the year by far
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
