There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I found your tweet-up…
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”