There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or