There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
12653.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer