Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

oh you wanna fight?!

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands