Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Stop being racist to kettles.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

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