There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’d use my best pan on you.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas