There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The Assassin.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
HOW DARE YOU
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.