There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am