There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!