There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
…u ok Nintendo?
