There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.