There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
❤️🦆
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.