There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd