Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.