There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Happy Caturday!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.