There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work