There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I have questions??
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*