There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.