There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Tough love is true love
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman