There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.