There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Was it something I said?
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
had to share :’)
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?