There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.