There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.