Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

the composer

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened