Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

“What movie?” 🤔

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies