There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade