Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.