Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

iPhone X

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.