There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?


1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.


Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.


Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset


me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size


If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.


*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.