Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
At the end of the day it’s 23:59:59
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.