There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

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*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.


Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.


THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What


Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.


Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no


James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.


Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.


If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.


[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then


Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”