There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.