Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas