Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.