There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot