There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
my mind
You just read my mind
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
That 👊
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.