Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.