There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now