There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams