Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

had to make it

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin