Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Who called it baking and not making love

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?