There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
