Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

it is time once again

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money