Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

trivia

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.