Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.