There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
All food is good if you spell it wrong
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.