@Parentpains

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

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@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@ChaseMit

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

@bffinheels

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

@MissNaughty1801

…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

@clichedout

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

@Chhapiness

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.