One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy talks more
me: almost once
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.