There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
this will hang in the louvre one day
Based Erika
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.