there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
where the womens at?
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Here’s a meme
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.