Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.