There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.