Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.