There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs