Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*