There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on