Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
just having fun
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda