“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti