“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)