There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.