There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
PARKOUR
rip to my favourite tweet
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it