*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks