God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
😅😅😅
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”