There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”