There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.