Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Can’t stop laughing

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

scared to check what name she chose

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you