There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
fr
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send