There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?