There’s only one good girl here!
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?