There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
shut up and take my money
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Blew out my flip flop…
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
found a horse’s reddit account
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy