There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
This is my emotional support knife.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.