There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
oh she’s cooked
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!