There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
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[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?