Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Guys, I found it.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.