There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.