Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

subtitles are so good nowadays

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.