Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

The happy life.. 😊

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.