Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

This bar smells like my childhood.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities