Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Found my door mat

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

i really liked this one

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Ugh

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.