Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me