Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

#growingpains

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand