There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.